even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize