smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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