i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize