There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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