You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
