Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I wish there were birth control emojis
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
