I want to have your abortion
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
