I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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