I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
its liver damage thursday
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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