you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
