You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
