Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
