Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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