I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
