My cat gives me a boner
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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