She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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