I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just pee around me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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