does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
