I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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