Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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