Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize