Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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