I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
