i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
