If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize