i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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