There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
