Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
