i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
