I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
