How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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