someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
