omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
