I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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