we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
