how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
