you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
