I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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