I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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