Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
