everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
