i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
