Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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