Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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