I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
