between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
