Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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