Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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