We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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