Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
