hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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