If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I deserve this hangover.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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