Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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