Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
