seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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