I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize