In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize