i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
