If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize