I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
