perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
