she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
