Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
