Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
