Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
